(SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHETHER GLASGOW IS A PLACE TO GO SPEED DATING?)
If you thought what I said about Keira Knightley's performance in
Say When (2014) was unnecessarily cruel, then I am ashamed to say that I may be about to out-do myself, as this is very possibly the nastiest
bust I have ever penned.
So buckle up, reader, and prepare for things to get messy, and that right soon.
[Now for a
bust of a movie that, if you haven't seen yet, you're unlikely ever to. In which case, count yourself lucky.
Some might say that criticising a movie produced on a shoestring is unfair, because, by all accounts, this team employed the
Bowfinger model of movie making*. Unfortunately, the movie they ended up with is no
Chubby Rain.
Supposedly, it won some sort of audience award. But if that is true, I can only think that the audience must have been packed with the friends and relatives of those involved with its production. Either that or there were no other films in contention.]
Fast Romance (2011) is a Scottish romantic comedy film starring nobody you are ever likely to have heard of and directed by someone even less famous than that.
In the end, a disparate group of Glaswegians either do or don't make some sort of connection following a series of speed dating encounters.
(At this point, there would normally be a slightly more detailed account of the plot. But in this case, the less said, the better. Here, though, is an idea of the characters prepared to undertake an evening of 3 minute chances on love, in this woefully unfunny and unromantic tale. A pair of incurable romantics. One a terminally single Scots-Italian woman who seems unaware that Romeo and Juliet was set in Italy. The other a down trodden wall-flower, eclipsed by the obvious charms of her scheming office rival. Their soon to be married best friend, only there to provide moral support. A predatory con-man looking to fleece the solvent, desperately seeking someones off their feet. A tongue-tied postman computer-gamer, too shy to reveal his true feelings for the woman he daily delivers mail to. His unhappily divorced boss, seeking respite from his care-giving responsibilities at home. Sounds grim, doesn't it? You have no idea.)
I've seen internet reviews of this film that describe it as a "little gem" and rate it 9/10. Let me put the record straight.
Fast Romance is a movie made by people who clearly know movies, but who seem to have no idea how to make them. It is littered with film references, in particular, to, arguably the best movie ever made in Scotland, Bill Forsyth's coming-of-age comedy,
Gregory's Girl (1981). But where Forsyth's story was simple and charming,
Fast Romance is confused and charmless. And whereas Forsyth managed to coax natural performances out of a largely young and inexperienced cast, the acting in
Fast Romance is mostly stilted and amateur, from grown-ups who seem more suited to pantomime gurning than big-screen exposure.
What acting talent there is, is poorly served by a script so lame that, had it been a horse, it would surly have been put out of its misery, well before a single frame was shot.
Fast Romance tells us nothing about love, life or romance in Glasgow. So if you're hoping to find any of that, perhaps you'd be better to look for it elsewhere.
*["Cash, every movie cost[s] $2,184", Robert K Bowfinger.]
Source(s):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowfingerhttp://www.imdb.com/title/tt1504385/http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregory's_Girl
